The Loss of a Friend

I have never been someone who easily makes friends, being an only child of divorced parents, life was not ever easy. My mother was brought up in a large family (one of 6 children), and love was something she found hard to show. She has always managed to make me feel inferior, and to put me down in some way or the other, I don't suppose she realises she does this and how it hurts so very much.

So when I met Jackie after I arrived back in the UK in 1999, it was as if I had been given the most incredible gift. Jackie had also lived in Durban for many years and was just a few years older, and when we met we soon became best friends, meeting for a window shopping wander on a Saturday morning, going to an open air concert with a picnic, spending an afternoon watching a video or meeting at lunchtime during the week and having a coffee. We saw each other at sometime every week.

Before we met and shortly after she had returned to England with her husband and three sons, Jackie had been diagnosed with breast cancer and had treatment. In 2003 she was give the all clear after 5 years and we rejoiced, but suddenly in February of 2004 Jackie said she had a feeling something was wrong and went back to the doctor, she was told yes there was a lump and a biopsy was to be carried out. I was on leave so I accompanied Jackie when she went to have the biopsy and just held her hand and talked to her while we waited. The news was received two weeks later that yes the cancer was back and more tests were required. The results and news was not good, the cancer was back and had spread to her bones and spine, I was with Jackie when she was told the news, the awful news that she was terminal........ NO....... is what I wanted to shout at the world,...... WHY ..... is what I cried at night.... Jackie, my dearest Jackie, never did I hear her say WHY. She did just once admit that she couldnt understand why her god wanted her to go through this again, had she not fought and won before.

Fight, yes she did fight, and I was blessed to be with her as often as I could, we made a short very precious trip up country for her to see her sister, I drove and the drive there and back will remain with me forever, I had 10 hours in a car with Jackie, 10 hours to last me the rest of my life. We spoke about everthing, things we had never discussed, and she said she was sure that I was her soul mate, sent to be with her just when she needed me most. The last couple of months were so hard to see her in such pain, Jackie was admitted to the Hospice in April 2006, I live across the road from the hospice, but my dearest friend would not give me permission to see her except just once, the very last time I saw Jackie was at 3:30pm on a warm sunny Friday afternoon, I had been given a half an hour and I took a late lunch and drove home and then walked across the road. I sat with Jackie and her husband in the garden for my half an hour and when I was to leave Jackie asked me to stay, I did, she held my hand, we talked about Capetown in South African and the beauty of the Cape. I left her with a kiss and her words I LOVE YOU in my ears. I never saw MY JACKIE again.

R.I.P. JACKS ....... I miss you every single day.