Monday, 9 March 2009
Remembering
Today is the 1st Anniversary of my fathers death, and I just wanted to say, I miss you dad. x
Sunday, 1 March 2009
Spring Has Sprung
1st of March and its is the official first day of spring today. I have seen a few daffodils in bloom and I have to say I love seeing all the spring flowers when they do come out. Having grown up in African where we basically had only two seasons, Summer and Winter, I really enjoy the changing seasons, the colours of the flowers in spring and then all the different shades of leaves in the autumn.
Winter is my least favourite season, the long dark nights and the constant feeling cold. Now that spring has sprung we will soon be putting the clocks forward again.
Winter is my least favourite season, the long dark nights and the constant feeling cold. Now that spring has sprung we will soon be putting the clocks forward again.
A Question
I wonder why people feel they have the right to make others feel so useless and so stupid? Do they get a huge kick out of it? Does it boost their self esteem, which must be very low if they feel the need to make other people feel so awful. Or are they just Bullys?
Last Year
Last year was a bad one in so many ways.
It seemed to start so well, I truly believed I had turned a corner, that my life was now going to get better, I felt I was loved (which turned out just to be a lie). I felt so happy, I was gaining belief in myself.
Then.... the wheels all started to come off and everything began to unravel at a sickeningly fast pace.
By the end of January the person who had made me believe I was loved more than anything in the world, had broken my heart. I guess I was just a game for him for a while and like a fool I fell into the game, hook, line and sinker. He is now married to someone else he met on the Internet. A lesson for me, only believe in yourself, trusting is something you don't do. Yes even older people can be hurt and made a fool of.
In February, I received an email from my father's wife (my mother and father divorced when I was little), she informed me my father was not well. I live in England, they in South Africa, where my half brother and half sister live. I had not seen my father for many years, and as most men he never kept in contact with me. March arrived and my fathers birthday 1st March (he turned 80), I sent an email to my half brother asking him to wish my dad a very happy birthday. Then on 9th March, I had an email from South Africa telling me my father had died. I never expected to feel the loss so very very much as I have done. My dad has gone, I never had a chance to say goodbye. That chance will come sometime during this summer here in England, I have my Dad's ashes, it was his request to be scattered in England, and the ashes were sent to me. My Dad has 1 living sister, and so when summer arrives, I will make the trip to Essex and with my sons and my aunt we will scatter his ashes.
That was the first three months of 2008......... more was to come.
It seemed to start so well, I truly believed I had turned a corner, that my life was now going to get better, I felt I was loved (which turned out just to be a lie). I felt so happy, I was gaining belief in myself.
Then.... the wheels all started to come off and everything began to unravel at a sickeningly fast pace.
By the end of January the person who had made me believe I was loved more than anything in the world, had broken my heart. I guess I was just a game for him for a while and like a fool I fell into the game, hook, line and sinker. He is now married to someone else he met on the Internet. A lesson for me, only believe in yourself, trusting is something you don't do. Yes even older people can be hurt and made a fool of.
In February, I received an email from my father's wife (my mother and father divorced when I was little), she informed me my father was not well. I live in England, they in South Africa, where my half brother and half sister live. I had not seen my father for many years, and as most men he never kept in contact with me. March arrived and my fathers birthday 1st March (he turned 80), I sent an email to my half brother asking him to wish my dad a very happy birthday. Then on 9th March, I had an email from South Africa telling me my father had died. I never expected to feel the loss so very very much as I have done. My dad has gone, I never had a chance to say goodbye. That chance will come sometime during this summer here in England, I have my Dad's ashes, it was his request to be scattered in England, and the ashes were sent to me. My Dad has 1 living sister, and so when summer arrives, I will make the trip to Essex and with my sons and my aunt we will scatter his ashes.
That was the first three months of 2008......... more was to come.
Saturday, 28 February 2009
The Loss of a Friend
I have never been someone who easily makes friends, being an only child of divorced parents, life was not ever easy. My mother was brought up in a large family (one of 6 children), and love was something she found hard to show. She has always managed to make me feel inferior, and to put me down in some way or the other, I don't suppose she realises she does this and how it hurts so very much.
So when I met Jackie after I arrived back in the UK in 1999, it was as if I had been given the most incredible gift. Jackie had also lived in Durban for many years and was just a few years older, and when we met we soon became best friends, meeting for a window shopping wander on a Saturday morning, going to an open air concert with a picnic, spending an afternoon watching a video or meeting at lunchtime during the week and having a coffee. We saw each other at sometime every week.
Before we met and shortly after she had returned to England with her husband and three sons, Jackie had been diagnosed with breast cancer and had treatment. In 2003 she was give the all clear after 5 years and we rejoiced, but suddenly in February of 2004 Jackie said she had a feeling something was wrong and went back to the doctor, she was told yes there was a lump and a biopsy was to be carried out. I was on leave so I accompanied Jackie when she went to have the biopsy and just held her hand and talked to her while we waited. The news was received two weeks later that yes the cancer was back and more tests were required. The results and news was not good, the cancer was back and had spread to her bones and spine, I was with Jackie when she was told the news, the awful news that she was terminal........ NO....... is what I wanted to shout at the world,...... WHY ..... is what I cried at night.... Jackie, my dearest Jackie, never did I hear her say WHY. She did just once admit that she couldnt understand why her god wanted her to go through this again, had she not fought and won before.
Fight, yes she did fight, and I was blessed to be with her as often as I could, we made a short very precious trip up country for her to see her sister, I drove and the drive there and back will remain with me forever, I had 10 hours in a car with Jackie, 10 hours to last me the rest of my life. We spoke about everthing, things we had never discussed, and she said she was sure that I was her soul mate, sent to be with her just when she needed me most. The last couple of months were so hard to see her in such pain, Jackie was admitted to the Hospice in April 2006, I live across the road from the hospice, but my dearest friend would not give me permission to see her except just once, the very last time I saw Jackie was at 3:30pm on a warm sunny Friday afternoon, I had been given a half an hour and I took a late lunch and drove home and then walked across the road. I sat with Jackie and her husband in the garden for my half an hour and when I was to leave Jackie asked me to stay, I did, she held my hand, we talked about Capetown in South African and the beauty of the Cape. I left her with a kiss and her words I LOVE YOU in my ears. I never saw MY JACKIE again.
R.I.P. JACKS ....... I miss you every single day.
So when I met Jackie after I arrived back in the UK in 1999, it was as if I had been given the most incredible gift. Jackie had also lived in Durban for many years and was just a few years older, and when we met we soon became best friends, meeting for a window shopping wander on a Saturday morning, going to an open air concert with a picnic, spending an afternoon watching a video or meeting at lunchtime during the week and having a coffee. We saw each other at sometime every week.
Before we met and shortly after she had returned to England with her husband and three sons, Jackie had been diagnosed with breast cancer and had treatment. In 2003 she was give the all clear after 5 years and we rejoiced, but suddenly in February of 2004 Jackie said she had a feeling something was wrong and went back to the doctor, she was told yes there was a lump and a biopsy was to be carried out. I was on leave so I accompanied Jackie when she went to have the biopsy and just held her hand and talked to her while we waited. The news was received two weeks later that yes the cancer was back and more tests were required. The results and news was not good, the cancer was back and had spread to her bones and spine, I was with Jackie when she was told the news, the awful news that she was terminal........ NO....... is what I wanted to shout at the world,...... WHY ..... is what I cried at night.... Jackie, my dearest Jackie, never did I hear her say WHY. She did just once admit that she couldnt understand why her god wanted her to go through this again, had she not fought and won before.
Fight, yes she did fight, and I was blessed to be with her as often as I could, we made a short very precious trip up country for her to see her sister, I drove and the drive there and back will remain with me forever, I had 10 hours in a car with Jackie, 10 hours to last me the rest of my life. We spoke about everthing, things we had never discussed, and she said she was sure that I was her soul mate, sent to be with her just when she needed me most. The last couple of months were so hard to see her in such pain, Jackie was admitted to the Hospice in April 2006, I live across the road from the hospice, but my dearest friend would not give me permission to see her except just once, the very last time I saw Jackie was at 3:30pm on a warm sunny Friday afternoon, I had been given a half an hour and I took a late lunch and drove home and then walked across the road. I sat with Jackie and her husband in the garden for my half an hour and when I was to leave Jackie asked me to stay, I did, she held my hand, we talked about Capetown in South African and the beauty of the Cape. I left her with a kiss and her words I LOVE YOU in my ears. I never saw MY JACKIE again.
R.I.P. JACKS ....... I miss you every single day.
About Me
I am English, born in Kent and grew up from the age of 2 in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe), I lived there until I moved to Durban South Africa in 1982, where I remained until 1999 when I returned to the UK with my sons and my mother.
I have been diagnosed as suffering from Clinical Depression and one of the tools advised to help me is to write. I have been doing so now for a while and I decided that maybe by writing for other people to read I might in some small way help someone else.
I have no idea what I will write but I will just amble and see where this takes me.
I have been diagnosed as suffering from Clinical Depression and one of the tools advised to help me is to write. I have been doing so now for a while and I decided that maybe by writing for other people to read I might in some small way help someone else.
I have no idea what I will write but I will just amble and see where this takes me.
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